I found this paper on Karpman’s drama triangle incredibly provocative.  I wanted to share it as it gave me so much food for thought.  Transcending the inter-play of three damaging forces - those of the victim, rescuer and persecuter - means that there can be no excuses, no blame, no externalising of our issues.  Instead it demands that we take total personal responsibility.  To do this we must first really acknowledge our feelings and decide what next action might move us forward on our personal developmental path.

Since I’ve started to realise the benefits of Buddhist practice, and have studied a little biological psychology, I’ve been on the look out to how spiritualism and science can talk to each other and shed light on each others underlying theories.  It was therefore with delight that, during some idle internet research, I happened upon ‘Buddha’s Brain:  The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom” by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius.  As the book acknowledges, studies into the intersection between biological, psychological and ‘contemplative’ processes are really in their infancy.  But the synergies that have begun to be highlighted are truly fascinating.  Take the premise that we experience suffering and discomfort because there is tension between what we want to believe at a gut level and what is actually true.  Looking at our evolutionary biology, we can identify certain patterns of behaviour intent on helping our survival.  Hanson pinpoints these as the struggle for separation (identifying yourself apart from other people/objects), the struggle for stability (trying to keep dynamic processes in check so that we can make sense of the world and function within it) and the struggle for optimisation (optimising pleasure and reducing pain).  If we take these struggles to be true, we can see how relying on our evolutionary instincts to guide us will condemn us to exist in a state of perpetual tension that is at odds with reality.  For physics tells us that actually everything is connected (we breathe air, eat food, interact ceaselessly with our environments on a number of levels), it is a fact of life that everything changes (we are not exactly the same person we were a minute ago - for example, there have been hundreds of neuronal connections and biological processes taking place in even that short time) and the very nature of pleasure is that it is almost always accompanied by pain - you may struggle to reach a goal and have to overcome many obstacles, or you may reach a goal only to find it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be.  Contemplative practice such as Buddhism demands that we face the reality of our existence face on and fully absorb these three truths in order to find calm and happiness. One cannot overcome adversity through struggle - it is only conquerable through acceptance. Peace comes from soothing the evolutionary calls for control inside of you, and fully accepting what is. 

On a night out at The Old Red Lion in Kennington with my friend Mike, the evening’s conversation turned to commitment.  What does committing to things in your life bring to you?  Why is it important?

Commitment can invoke dread.  If you’re committed to something, you can feel shackled by it.  “If I don’t succeed, I’ve failed.”   Public commitment has the danger of leading to public shame.  The fear of shame can prevent us from taking action. Thus, the very notion of commitment can undermine our ability to be committed.

Like over-eating or over-indulging, it also feels that commitment can be taken too far.  We all have friends who we feel have spent vast amounts of needless energy pursuing paths that will never lead them to happiness.   We want to sound a horn, to alert them to the time they’re wasting.   At some point, we postulate, they’ll look back and realise that they’ve been exerting themselves for the wrong reasons and in the wrong direction.  Fools!

Yet we both agreed that commitment is the only way we find joy in our lives.  To be committed to something means that we’ve invested our whole being into it.  It means that we’ve invested in being alive.  It means we have identified a passion and given our hearts over to making it happen, regardless of the obstacles ahead. 

Because there will always be obstacles.  Obstacles that threaten to derail, or actually derail, the goal you’ve committed to.  Setting the goal and becoming committed to trying to overcome those obstacles are the only positive actions you can take – everything else is at the whim of the universe.  You may fight and win, you may fight and fail.  The fighting is all that really counts.

In that way, commitment – even of the sort that eventually leads to subjective evaluations of failure – can never be negative.  For example, if I commit to becoming an MP, and after many years of working hard in local politics, never realise my ambition, there is no good reason why I should look back on that time as wasted.  During that time I will have honed my political beliefs, met many different people who I shared my vision with, listened to many varying points of view, thought deeply about major issues, and made certain strides towards my goal which influenced my everyday life in a positive, energised way.  My commitment created my journey, and the journey had immense personal value.

Which isn’t to say that we have a ‘cop-out clause’.  That it’s OK to go into something not caring if you achieve it or not. “I hope I’ll succeed, but if I don’t, I’ll walk away”.  Because that is not commitment, that is cavalier.  The point here is to strive towards a goal believing in all your heart that you will succeed.  You know you’re committed, when the thought of your goal ignites a fire in your soul. 

Yet, there may come a time when you need to reassess the goal in the face of reality.  The point where it’s clear that the goal simply isn’t going to happen.  That’s where social notions of failure come in hard.  You didn’t achieve what you set out to, therefore you are one of life’s losers.

But the only failure here is not to reassess your goal and set a new one – one that is as close to your personal passion as you can possibly make it.   If you can’t set a goal to take you forward through the next portion of your life, you’ll be stuck in a state of inertia.  This is where depression and melancholy all too easily set in.

With these ideas we can reassess our notions of failure and success and, in turn, interact more positively with the universe.  If we see success as a by-product of commitment, and failure from a fear of where that commitment may lead, there is no reason why every person on this planet should not enjoy wholly successful lives. 

Having a husband that mainly works the night shift leads to many late night musings.  I adore the peace of late night, the slight feeling of naughtiness that you’re awake when you probably shouldn’t be.  There’s school the next day you know.

Many of my posts from this point on will probably be on the nature of happiness, like a little happiness series.  Late night makes me happy, so let’s call this post number 1.

But that’s a misnomer.  I don’t want to talk about late night, I want to talk about the whole nature of happiness.

Is the entire purpose of life to be happy?  To ease suffering and negativity?  To root out any feeling of disease or worry and replace it with pleasure and contentment?  Or is the purpose to be able to recognise when you aren’t happy, to sit with that emotion, but basically to strive on anyway hoping that something different may be around the corner?  Should you even hope for something different, or is that negating the possibility of happiness in the here and now?

The issues boils down to whether you believe that you can be in control of your own happiness.  If you can, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t experience relentless contentment.  Arguably, this view of happiness can be a bit pressurised - why hasn’t it happened for me yet?  What am I doing wrong?   Shouldn’t I just try a bit harder?

However, you might see happiness as a confluence of factors that are both under your control and at the mercy of the wide whims of the universe.  How many times have we strived for something we’re sure we’ll make us happy, and 1) not got it or 2) got it, but felt strangely unsatisfied with the result.  Conversely, consider the little snatches of pleasure when the world doesn’t appear to be leading that way, for example, the help of a stranger during a dark and windy storm when your car has broken down; or the way you get chatting to your neighbours when something negative happens in the local community and form unexpected friendships.

Buddhism takes a middle ground - it teaches us that we cannot control external events, but that this does not necessarily matter, as external events are not real and permanent - they are temporal. They cannot be relied upon to ‘give’ us happiness, although happiness may be a by product.  Instead, the only reality is our own individual energy, which is connected to the energy of the universe and vibrates along with it.  If we realise this ultimate truth, we are freed from suffering. As such, we are responsible for our own enlightenment, salvation and happiness.   This is not a matter of pure faith in an abstract concept - Buddhism actually gives us practical tools for understanding, and connecting with, the ultimate truth via meditation, mindfulness and chanting.   In Buddhist terms, practical action, combined with theoretical understanding, equals happiness and contentment. 

Americans ask me a lot about the class system.  ‘You guys know your place, yes?’.  For some reason this gets me defensive - surely we’re not so rigid anymore?  Getting back on the tube last night, I picked up the Evening Standard - a free paper given out to mass transit commuters.  Two comment pieces caught my eye, confirming our obsession with the social elite.  First up, Nick Foulkes arguing that luxury goods can save the world: “I can’t help but think that if more people had the means and opportunity to tell the time on a Cartier watch or sign their name using a Montegrappa pen, then the world would be just that little bit less unstable”.  Flicking over, Richard Dennen reflecting on a recent ‘posh English country wedding’ he’d attended: “Everyone needs something to discuss at lunch the next day, don’t they?  And what could be better than lots of toffs discussing gay sex in between shovelling in mouthfuls of suckling pig?”   At what point does this speak to anyone but the tiniest of minorities?  And, given tube travellers probably don’t fall into that demographic, why has so much space been devoted to this sort of commentary?  Aspirational?  Pandering to our snobbery?  Or to remind us of what we’re not?

Sometimes you meet people who are relentlessly negative.  They do down others’ achievements.  They are bitter and insulting, even to their own family.  They revel in being rude and obnoxious to other people, hoping they’ll feel better about themselves in the meantime. This never works - and they are the only ones who can’t see it. They wonder endlessly why they have no friends or why people don’t call them back.  This fact is a total mystery to them, but completely obvious to anyone else.  This creates an upsetting and seemingly needless situation, but one you cannot help to solve as they will not listen to anyone’s advice.  If you have such a person in your life, you might find this website really helpful.  http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/dealing-with-difficult-people/.  Don’t moan or whinge about it though - the most inspiring passage is as follows:

Eliminating Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”